Spectrum Games - Santa's Xmas Caper - Classic ZX Spectrum Game

Santa's Xmas Caper ZX Spectrum
Well there is only five days to go until we can unwrap our pressies on Christmas morning before getting stuck into far too much food and drink.

So in the spirit of things I have decided to take a look at a classic game I actually never played back in the day; Santa's Xmas Caper.

Released in 1991 by Zeppelin Games LTD this is from the twilight era of ZX Spectrum gaming, as by this point most of us had switched to a 16-bit machine.

Looking at it you would never guess though; you would be forgiven for thinking this was an effort from 1982 or 1983. Yep, it really is that much of a turkey.

The whole 'plot' revolves around Santa's Christmas pudding which has been spiked by some evil pixies. The jolly rouge one has to go and recover from said pudding and is in no fit state to pilot the sleigh. Believe me you will have to recover from playing this game too - it will still haunt you well into new year.

Ho Ho 'crap game for Christmas' Ho

Anyway, Santa is out of action so this is where you (the player) comes in, for just one day you'll have to take over and make sure that all of the kids presents are delivered on time.

In classic gaming style there are three levels to get through before you can go home, put your feet up and tuck into a mince pie and a large drop of advocaat.

First up is Lapland; You've got to pick up the sleigh and get all those lovely gifts delivered. But... Those pixies are still feeling a bit evil and they have amassed a stockpile of toy trains and trumpets to throw at you. (honest!)

Get past this and you will be flying over the Atlantic where you meet up with a few scientists who don't believe in Santa. Thinking you to be some sort of alien, they try to take you out with death-rays. All nice and Christmassy so far.

It's trippy alright. Check out those crap graphics...

During play you should collect all the little Santas and glasses of wine that fly by. These are presents and in the final level you have to drop them down various chimneys. Ho hum it's full of festive fun.

Except it isn't. This is one of the laziest pieces of programming on the Speccy I have ever seen. The graphics are disproportioned and laughable, the gameplay is mind-blowingly awful and it will leave you cursing the most wonderful time of the year.

To top it all off they couldn't even get the music in tune. Unforgiveable, and it's a bog standard beeper effort too.

All in all I would say this is one to avoid. Do not ruin any part of Christmas by playing this game.

Cheers all and Merry Christmas!

Santa goes on his caper, the poor bugger:

Classic Games, Arcade games and ZX Spectrum Games

Spectrum Games - Kung Fu Master - Classic ZX Spectrum Game

Kung Fu Master ZX Spectrum
Argh! And I'm not making any martial arts type noises there either.

This ZX Spectrum version of the classic arcade game was released by US Gold in 1986. It turned out to be completely shit.

The arcade game had been a huge hit, and conversions to pretty much all of the home computers of the era was pretty much guaranteed.

Many conversions of arcade originals or movie tie-ins tended to be quick rush jobs intended to cash in on their popularity; alas this game turned out to be one of those.

The Loading Screen Is As Good As It Gets

The thing about this game is the fact that it was pretty limited and repetitive, mainly because there were only two attacking moves to make (punch and kick), as well as jump and duck. The arcade version got away with it due to it's colourful graphics, decent sound effects, excellent backing music and fast paced action.

The Spectrum version, despite being released in 1986 just reeks of 1983. The scrolling, the graphics, the animation, the collision detection... all were unacceptable by 1986.

There is little playability in here and using your punches and kicks is an exercise in guesswork.

Stay Back Or I Will Blind Your Eyes With Crappy Graphics

In a deviation for the original the screen uses the flick-scroll method to move the action along, whereas the arcade version used continues push scrolling.

On top of all of this the in-game music is absolute torture - and I mean torture. I think the developers must have realised how bad the game was and just stuck it in there for a laugh or a distraction. It is even worse than listening to a Celine Dion album on endless repeat - that's just how bad the in-game music is.

All in all this game is a load of old cack. Anyone who played it back then will probably still shudder at the thought of it. Nice loading screen though.

We recommend getting hold of the real hardware - but if not then download a ZX Spectrum Emulator and download anything but Kung Fu master! Alternatively you could try and play something else online.

GENRE: Arcade Game (Beat Em Up)
RELEASE DATE: 1986
RELEASED BY: US Gold
DEVELOPER(S): David J Anderson (loading screen by F David Thorpe)
PRICE: £7.95 -UK

Quick cash-in conversions are the order of the day....

Classic Games, Arcade Games and ZX Spectrum Games

Spectrum Games - Jackal - Classic ZX Spectrum Game

Jackal ZX Spectrum
This was an arcade game that ate a bucket load of my loose change back in the day. I loved it, and I was pretty good at it too :-)

So, when it was being converted to the good old Speccy in 1987 by Konami (who had developed the coin-op version) I was rather excited.

I needn't have been as this game turned out to be a complete turkey...



For fans of the original arcade game the plot will be familiar; drive around in your jeep killing enemy soldiers, destroying vehicles, gun emplacements and buildings.

It was classic run 'n gun action that was simple enough and fun enough down your local arcade.

The squad was a four-man team composed of Colonel Decker, Lieutenant Bob, Sergeant Quint and Corporal Grey sent to rescue soldiers kept as hostages by the enemy. One or two players controlled the teams in an armed jeep, in which you had to venture through several enemy strongholds to rescue your buddies.

In each of the six levels, the goal was to rescue POWs from various buildings and then transfer them to dust-off locations where a chopper would take them to safety.

Once the soldiers were rescues the player(s) had to defeat (in classic arcade fashion) a boss enemy at the end of each level. If you made it to the final level, there were two bosses for you to take out.


As with most arcade games, there was a scoring system that would grant the player extra lives depending on the score attained.
If a collision occured with an enemy vehicle or if the jeep was hit by an enemy bullet, a life was lost. No surprises there.

For rescuing your buddies you could receive various rewards. Some buildings contained one flashing prisoner; if this man was rescued the jeep's primary weapon (a machine gun) was upgraded. In addition, if enough prisoners were rescued, a weapon upgrade was given during the unloading process to the rescue chopper.

The Jeep's initial weapons consisted of a machine gun and a grenade launcher. The grenade launcher was upgradeable into a rocket launcher, which could be further upgraded to shoot long-range missiles, and two kinds of spread missiles.

These powerups were excellent and needed as you progressed through the game.
It should be noted that in the arcade versions I played the machine gun always fired upwards, but there were versions where it fired in the direction the jeep was facing. This method was employed in the ZX Spectrum version of the game.

This all worked well in the original arcade game and for me was up there with Commando and Ikari-Warriors. It's a shame that the Speccy version seems to be a lazy port over with poor graphics, jerky scrolling, stodgy controls and little playability.

The screen moves so badly you can barely see an enemy before it is on top of you meaning you can be shot before you even know where it came from. The graphics are terrible, and the scrolling is more jerky than a slice of beef jerky that is being jerked around by a jerk.

This conversion of a good arcade game was sooo bad it still brings me out in a cold sweat. Yearghs!

On Release:
The original arcade game was never mega-popular but the game was reasonably anticipated and a preview appeared in good old crash magazine. When it was released in late 1987 most mags and gamers noted the game as yet another poor arcade conversion, something which had plagued all of the 8-bit machines. There was nothing worse than a half-arsed attempt at converting an arcade game to a home computer.

The Test Of Time:
Well twenty odd years on and this game is as bad as ever. The original coin-op is still worth a blast but please avoid this one on yer Speccy. Comedy value only.

We recommend getting hold of the real hardware - but if not then download a ZX Spectrum emulator and download anything but this game for the ZX Spectrum. Alternatively you could try and play it online.

GENRE: Arcade Game (Vertical Scroller)
RELEASE DATE: 1987
RELEASED BY: Konami Ltd
DEVELOPER(S): Cyclone (David Whitehouse, Stephen Lockley, Adrian Carless)
PRICE: £7.95 - UK (£2.99 on re-release)

It should have been classic arcade action:


Arcade Games, Classic Games and ZX Spectrum Games

Spectrum Games - Flight Path 737 - Classic ZX Spectrum Games

Flight Path 737 ZX Spectrum
It's time to look at an all time turkey again. This festering turd of a game was unleashed upon us ZX Spectrum gamers back in 1985.

In fact it is such a bad computer game / flight simulator that not only is it one of the worst ever games on the ZX Spectrum, it must be one of the worst games ever. Period.

Now that I've got that out of the way....

After the basic loading screen you got a slightly odd yet decent piece of music to set the scene. It has nothing to do with flying but must be the best part of the game. Trust me, it get's worse from here on in.



So - onto the flying excitement. Hold onto your hats as we get to grips with our arcade joysticks...

The aim of this 'classic arcade game' (ahem), was to take off, fly over a mountain range then land on the other side. Hardly a thrilling prospect but I suppose flight-sim fans should like it. If was any good they probably would have.

You were given six skill levels to play with, from first solo (easiest) to test pilot (most difficult). The more difficult the skill level, then the higher the mountains would be. You would also be hit with cross winds, turbulence and even engine fires.

But let's be honest here, the game was ultra difficult without any of the extra Roland Emmerich type disasters thrown in.

The instructions supplied with the game were a joke, they didn't even list the keys to use. Figuring out the controls by trial and error was a thankless task too as the controls are so un-responsive you cannot even tell what is supposed to be happening. You can press a key and wait a week for a response.

Getting airborne was difficult enough as being incorrectly lined up by one pixel would cause the airplane to blow up. Realism at it's best there. You could run out of runway too (even though you can still see it in front of you, stretching away into the distance!) - causing you to crash. How bad can you get?

If you ever did manage to get airborne (you would have more chance standing in the street and flapping your arms) the mountain range would come into view. And it would sit there and not move. Ever. Until you probably crashed into them - despite them still looking like they were miles away from you.

Never in the game did you ever get a sense of movement. Aside from your instrument panel changing, nothing else did. This game is sooo bad I just can't describe it. The constant engine drone sound effect is enough to send you over the edge for good.

I'd rather listen to a record by David Hasselhoff on repeat for 24 hours. Honestly, I would.

On Release:
Good old Crash Magazine described this game as being a 'botch up'. How right they were. They scored it with an overall of 4% - personally I think they were generous with that. At £5.95 it was a joke - the only way you could recoup some money was by using it as a blank cassette. An abomination of a game and the lowest score in Crash Mag I can ever remember.

The Test Of Time:
Well it has not improved with age. An utterly disgusting game. I think it was probably written in BASIC (given the keys being more sluggish than Jabba-the-hut), but even so it is no excuse for being so bad. Have I said it was a terribe, terrible game?

We recommend getting hold of the real Sinclair hardware but if not then do not download this one for a ZX Spectrum emulator. Alternatively you could try and not play it online.

Please see our other ZX Spectrum retro game reviews and programmer interviews - all links are listed in alphabetical order. Cheers guys.

GENRE: Arcade Game / Flight Sim / P*ss take
RELEASE DATE: 1985
RELEASED BY: Anirog Software
DEVELOPER(S): Stefan Walker
PRICE: £5.95 - far too much for a blank cassette ;-)

Classic Arcade Gaming - I run out of runway:

Classic Arcade Gaming - I fail again:

Classic Games, Arcade Games and ZX Spectrum Games

Spectrum Games - Adventure Of St Bernard - Classic ZX Spectrum Game

Adventures Of St Bernard
Well what can I say, apart from that this game is crap? Really, really crap.

I was unfortunate enough to buy this for my Speccy back in the day, and my hard earned £1.99 (I got the Mastertronic re-release) was duly wasted.

Would you believe that Carnell actually had the gall to charge £5.95 for this turgid piece of 'arcade action' originally? It wasn't even worth the £1.99 that Mastertronic were asking for a year later. Still, you've got to look back and laugh eh?

At least Carnell redeemed themselves with the excellent text adventure 'The Wrath of Magra'....

The whole point to the game was to rescue your 'mistress' (oohh matron) from the clutches of the abominable snowman. We should have rescued the gamers from this abominable game.

The inlay instructions actually used words like 'intrepid' and 'icy wastelands' to convey the terror and action of the situation. Well it doesn't work quite like that...

The game is a horizontally scrolling affair (supposed to arcade action), and you control the hero who must fend off attacks from wolves and jump over broken bits of the icy ground.

Wolves always attack from your rear, so you can scare them away by turning to face them or if you time it right, bite them (use your imagination) to kill them outright.

After you have got far enough (the background scrolls painfully slowly) you will reach stage two. Now you have to jump over water patches and avoid the walrusses that poke their heads up through the ice-holes.

If you have the luck or patience you'll reach stage three where you have to climb a hill and avoid the rolling snowballs. If you make it past this it'll be more by luck than judgement - I never ever did, and never ever will.

You have to laugh as the instructions actually ask:
"Will it go on forever? Is she really worth it? These and many more questions
can be answered in this multi-level, fast moving, colourful
arcade style game."

They also boldy state that the game was written in full machine code, featuring arcade action and cartoon style graphics.

I honestly can't see how this was written in machine code. The controls are so un-responsive it's beyond funny. Your character takes longer to turn than a jug of cream - and timing jumps is well... you've got more chance of winning the lottery.

Oh - and a special mention must go to the sound. It truly is a revolutionary use of the Spectrum's beeper.

On a positive note I suppose the main sprite is quite nicely drawn - it's a shame the animation on it is crap.

Maybe I'm being too hard on this game. It did come out in the early days of '83 so I've got to cut it some slack, but really, play this for comedy value only. It's a load of pish.

We recommend getting hold of the real hardware - but if not then download a ZX Spectrum emulator and download any other arcade game (but not this). Alternatively you could try and play something else online.

GENRE: Arcade Game (Even though it's slower than bullet time)
RELEASE DATE: 1983
RELEASED BY: Carnell Software / Mastertronic
DEVELOPER(S): No idea.
PRICE: £5.95 then re-released by Mastertronic at £1.99 - UK

Hair raising arcade action in this classic game...


Arcade Games, Classic Games and ZX Spectrum Games

Spectrum Games - Mr Freeze - ZX Spectrum classic game

ZX Spectrum Mr Freeze
This slightly odd platform/arcade game was released for the Speccy by Firebird in 1984.

It sold for £2.50 before being re-released at £1.99 - and was just about worth it. Just.

In the game you played that part of Mr Freeze, a cool customer if ever there was one. Ahem.

The challenge was to de-ice six compartments of a refrigerator using your trusty flame thrower - so the game was spread over a walloping massive six screens!

There were the usual hazards to watch out for in an arcade game based in a fridge. Nasties such as flying food, guardian robots and lasers of course.

Also stationary ice-cubes would prove to be deadly and falling through any gaps in the shelves would take away one of your six lives. Six screens, six lives, you had to stay ice-cool to overcome the excitement in this game...


You could de-ice the compartments in any order you fancied - so it was possible to traverse between the screens, which were linked in tried and tested flick screen fashion.

To de-ice a compartment you had to walk into the De Ice button located at the top of the screen - your flame thrower was actually just used to 'scare away' nasties (it didn't kill them, merely turned them away from you)

The main thing to avoid was the laser which would try and zap you as you climbed any set of stairs. A little tactical thinking was required when planning your route upwards in any of the compartments.

The game would have been decent but for one thing: The controls are more stodgy than my mum's Bolognaise. Getting our hero to jump a gap or move off a ladder is fiddly and usually happens more by luck than judgement. If it wasn't for this the game would be okay - as it stands it was (and still is) a bit of a frozen turkey.

On release:
Well this arcade game did not do Firebird any favours - although they would go on to do better. It was generally regarded back then as poor to average - but the awful controls and low amount of screens made sure it generally recieved a 'cold reception'. Even at £2.50 it was frozen out in favour of other bargain offerings. There were far better platform games you could get for your lolly too.

The test of time:
I did have this back in the day (picked up with my £1.99 pocket money) and managed to complete it despite the crappy controls. I never played it again - and writing this review has brought back all those bad memories. It could have been an okay game - but believe me it isn't. Even the little game over ditty is odd.

It's time to give this game a go for pure nostalgia and laughability. You'll soon see that it's not nICE.

We recommend getting hold of the real hardware - but if not then download a ZX Spectrum emulator and download Mr Freeze for the ZX Spectrum if you want to see a poor-ish game. Alternatively you could try and play it online.

GENRE: Arcade Game (Platform game)
RELEASE DATE: 1984
RELEASED BY: Firebird Software
DEVELOPER(S): David T Clark
PRICE: £2.50 then £1.99 - UK

Stay cool in some insipid arcade action:

It's game over (thankfully) - hang onto your joystick in this not so classic game:


Classic Games, Arcade Games and ZX Spectrum Games

Spectrum Games - Dragon Ninja - ZX Spectrum Classic Game

ZX Spectrum Dragon Ninja
Well what can I say about this conversion of the famous arcade game by Data East?

Imagine developed a lot of good arcade conversions for the ZX Spectrum (with the likes of Green Beret and Hypersports) - but this was about as far from a good conversion as you could get.

Anyway - let's have a look at a 'classic game' that actually turned out to be pretty crap.

"I'm bad" is just about right.



Just like in the arcade game president 'Ronnie' had been kidnapped by a bunch of ninja's (yes really!) and in stepped the bad dudes (you) to save him, and the day I suppose. So - here we were with another 'right-to-left scrolling, fight the bad guys and recue someone type deal'.

The game took inspiration from another classic arcade game, Shinobi. This inspiration was the fact that you could fight on the upper or lower area of the screen, jumping up and down between the upper and lower portion of the screen at will.

This feature worked pretty well in the arcade game but on the Speccy the controls are sticky and your 'bad dude' doesn't really react well to your keypresses.

The graphics are pretty poor; the game characters are pretty small and not well animated, the backgrounds bland and the scrolling is average at best.

Throwing kicks and punches in the relative direction of the bad guys seems to take them out - and jumping over a gap is a lottery in itself.

By 1988 games of this quality (and especially arcade conversions) were not acceptable - we all knew the Spectrum was capable of so much more.

If you want to complete this game take the following steps: Crouch, leg sweep, walk. Crouch, leg sweep, walk. Crouch, leg sweep, walk. Repeat until you either complete the game or you're brain freezes with boredom.

Give this one a miss - worth it for the comedy value only. Like the bad dudes say - 'It's bad'.

On Release:
On release this game was generally regarded as crap.

The Test Of Time:
After more than 20 years this game is still crap.

GENRE: Arcade Game (Beat em up)
RELEASE DATE: 1988
RELEASED BY: Imagine Software
DEVELOPER(S): Bill Harbison, Paul Owens, Mark R Jones
PRICE: £8.95 (About £8.85 too expensive)

I beat the first boss then die of boredom...


Classic Games, Arcade Games and ZX Spectrum Games

ZX Spectrum Games - Formula One Simulator - ZX Spectrum retro game

ZX Spectrum Formula One Simulator
Ahh now this one takes me back (but necessarily in a good way!).

I had the Mastertronic version for the ZX Spectrum - and thought it would be comparable to Chequered Flag by Melbourne House. Not quite. Time to review another classic game turkey...

This computer game was first released for the ZX Spectrum in 1984 (overpriced at a whopping £8.95!) by Spirit Software (who went on to manufacture the Spirit Steering Wheel and taking orders for it before going bust) before being snapped up by Mastertronic and re-released in their budget £1.99 range.

Not A Bad Loading Screen I Suppose

It should be noted that the original version (published by Spirit) came bundled with the steering wheel which was actually just a yellow plastic circle - a bit like a lid from a small tin! Even at the time it was laughable...

So - Mastertronic named it 'Formula One Simulator' - and even as a budget game it was a bit of a non-starter.

One side of the tape had the 16K Spectrum version, the other the 48K Spectrum version. The fact that a 16K version of a 3D racing simulator was present should have set the crapness alarm bells ringing.

Anyway, according to the instructions, the game was 'based on formula one levels of acceleration, braking and road holding'. Apparently the program had been developed for the ultimate in realism. Ahem.

The 48K version gave you a total of ten tracks to race around which were:
Silverstone, Brands Hatch, Monaco, Hockenheim, Osterreichring,Kyalmi, Zolder, Paul Richard, Monza and Zandvoort.

The view of the game was the traditional 'cockpit view', looking forwards as you were seated in the powerful car. Your drivers hands could even be seen as they gripped the steering wheel in grim determination.

Once you had chosen a track you could either practice a circuit or go straight to qualifying. Your qualifying time would determine where you would begin in the following race.

As soon as you started driving you knew something just wasn't right. The left and right controls were pretty sluggish and when you turned either left or right you 'hands' (and steering wheel) didn't actually move - but you did expect them to! Due to this there was no feeling of steering at all. With barely any roadside features to see - the driving effect was pretty sparse.

Mastertronic (unwittingly hilariously) included this little gem in the instructions:

'Steering wheel - Use a sellotape tin or similar object, about 4 1/2" indiameter and 1" deep, hold it at the top and position it at the centre of top row of keys so that it nestles against the ridge at the back. Roll it to theleft or right with moderate pressure to steer. To begin with, a rocking motion on the wheel may help get the feel of the car.' - Priceless!

Check out the menu options (option 6 is where it's at!) in this not-so-classic arcade game:

Please - if anyone tried this, you've got to let us know!

Formula One awesomeness:

Please see our other (more in depth!) ZX Spectrum game reviews - all links are listed in alphabetical order. Cheers guys.

If you want a laugh download this for a Spectrum emulator - you may even be able to play this online. Get the real hardware and a tin lid for the ultimate in realism!

GENRE: Arcade Game (Driving Simulator)
RELEASE DATE: 1984
RELEASED BY: Spirit Software then Mastertronic
DEVELOPER(S): S C Stephens
PRICE: Originally a crazy £8.95 then a more realistic £1.99 by Mastertronic

A succesfull qualifying lap in this not so good arcade game:


Pure arcade game action - it's a short lived race...


Classic Games, Arcade Games and ZX Spectrum Games

ZX Spectrum Games - Viper III - ZX Spectrum retro game

ZX Spectrum Viper III
Every now and again we will have to look at a classic game that was, well let's say, a bit of a turkey. Well, Viper III has the honour of being the first game we look at that really wasn't good. At all.

Released by Mastertronic for the ZX Spectrum in 1984, this was another game in their large budget range that retailed at £1.99.

An evil race of galactic bad boys called the Quardons had invaded the peaceful planet of Nimea.

It was up to you to take your squadron of ace fighters and free the peace lovers from the clutches of tyranny. Apparently this was your hardest mission yet! Dun dun daaaahh.

The loading screen is better than the game itself...

Because you had travelled far far away to save this troubled land you didn't have much in the way of fuel.

All of your skill and concentration was needed to manoeuvre safely through the attacking Quardons, using lazer fire in short controlled bursts. Ok, classic arcade game on!

This sideways scrolling arcade game used very basic graphics and sound effects to display the action. The aim of the game was to try and pick up the fleeing Nimean refugees whilst destroying the Quardon's base defences.

Once you had reached the end of the level it was a quick search and pickup of fuel in order to continue the mission (if you could be bothered).

This game would have been acceptable in 1982 during the early stages of Spectrum games development, but by 1984 Spectrum gamers had been treated to the likes of TLL, Jet Set Willy, Lode Runner and other polished releases.

We have to cut it some slack as it was a budget release, and for £1.99 you never really expected much - and there were worse titles you could pick up in the same price bracket.

I remember owning this game way back when and it really was far too basic in every way (gameplay, graphics, sound) even then. It was games such as this that (somewhat unfairly) gave rise to the 'Masterchronic' moniker.

Mastertronic would improve their reputation ten fold over the next year or so with quality titles (such as the Magic Knight series of games).

Get yourself some Sinclair hardware if you can. If you want to try this game you could download it for a ZX Spectrum emulator. Perhaps you could even play it online.

Please see our other classic game reviews - all links are in alphabetical order. Cheers all.

GENRE: Arcade game
RELEASE DATE: 1984
RELEASED BY: Mastertronic
DEVELOPER(S): Mark Pollard
PRICE: £1.99 - UK
Mart tries to keep fast and low...


Classic Games, Arcade Games and ZX Spectrum Games